


Deplorable

by stelthykat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempted Murder, Can I say Spoilers once more?, Gen, Gore, Mentions of Serial Killer tendancies, Mentions of animal killing, Spoiler Chapter 56, Spoiler Chapter 57
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-08
Updated: 2014-05-08
Packaged: 2018-01-23 23:42:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1583732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelthykat/pseuds/stelthykat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was it like growing up? What was it like being conflicted and suffering? And why remember the past now? </p><p>Fuller Summary inside</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deplorable

**Author's Note:**

> Basically my thoughts on what growing up with a serial killer was like. Because c'mon, you DON'T come out of that okay. I just wanted to highlight some points about growing up in that environment. Especially considering how he looked while behind that chimney. 
> 
> Sorry for the sucky quality, I've been stressed to all hell, finals are here and just needed to spew some thoughts around. Especially since this chapter got me thinking. I might do a more in depth first person POV later on but really couldn't do it justice with my current lackluster writing. 
> 
> Italics are for event's in the past. 
> 
> *Here's hoping no one major dies! (gives a toast of good luck knowing that someone will)

There was so much blood, covering every surface and smelling of thick copper and rust. Pouring out of half concaved skulls that bore him down with staring eyes that were distant and far away.

 

_They died._

 

Nifa. Sweet Nifa. Well she was sweet enough by his standards. She was kind where it counted and tough when needed. She was adept at battle, a spitfire when provoked and was a great fucking soldier. And now she was gone, chunks of her face coagulating on the terra cotta rooftop, bits of grey seeming to taunt Levi and beg him to launch himself towards the nearest bath and boil himself alive.

 

Harris. A damn fine soldier in his own right. He was slower with the 3DMG but had the strength to back it up. He just wasn’t quick enough for the shot that took half his face and threw him onto the street below.

 

David and Lloyd had been brothers. Twins. They were polar opposites but never without each other. David had been a candidate for the special ops squad until Lloyd had come begging Levi to refuse him. _“Pick Gunther, he’s better anyway; don’t let David throw his life away!”_ and for some reason Levi had relented and chosen Gunther. He swallowed the lump in his throat and cringed as the scent reached his taste buds.

 

Dark auburn hair turned into orange, blond hair turned silver with an aged face, darker skin that had nothing to do with blood and a close shave that elongated into a pony tail-

 

He failed again. He couldn’t protect his original squad so why in the hell did he think he could protect them?!

_“Now’s not the time to joke!” Nifa had stammered and as soon as the boots his the tile with an inaudible crack he knew that shit had hit the fan. It was a reflex to shut up and dodge, he had been trained to do so since before he could remember. It was a lesson that saved your life in “Throatslasher Kaney’s” house. He survived because he was smart enough to know that the man was a dangerous sonofabitch. But Nifa had never learned that lesson. Before his fear addled mind caught up to the fact that he had someone else to protect her flesh was ripping and the crater stared back at him while lazily dripping brain matter over the delicate curve of her shoulders. He had done what the younger version of him had always done: he dove behind the nearest thing and cowered._

 

And now here he was. Crouched behind a chimney shaking like a leaf and about ready to piss himself because Kaney was approaching. Like every other thing Kaney did he stalked his prey, hoping to illicit a response before he killed.

 

“Yo, Levi,” the voice grated on him and for a moment he feared he’d pass out or vomit. Or both. Feeling his eyes start to burn with the futility of it all he lost all strength in his limbs and slid down the wall. His mind was racing like a wildfire now. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus on anything other than the soft words murmured to him and the thought of the others and the long locked away memories of childhood-

 

_“Levi,” Kaney had been kind at first. It was the sort of kindness that gave him hope in the rest of the world. He had taken him in, fed him, clothed him and had taught him to defend himself against the horrors of monsters under the bed and the cruelty of the world. “Come here.” And Levi had tottered over on the gangly legs of an eight year old, desperate to please, to repay the kindness._

_Kaney had looked at him, his eyes searching the young boys frame until his gargantuan hands came up to grasp onto the youths shoulders, clenching tighter as his eyes searched Levi’s face for any resistance. Finding none the calloused hands made their way up, creeping towards the shadow of his throat where they stroked longingly, tenderly. **I just want to repay him.** Levi had thought, refusing to obey his instincts and cringe away.  They hands stopped their movement as the cradled either side of his neck, fingertips barely brushing the tender skin before they closed down into an iron hold and nails bit into the tenderness, drawing red droplets. _

_Levi had stayed still until he ran out of air. In a panic he thrashed, gagging for oxygen and trying to claw the hands off of him. With cat like deftness Kaney had removed his hands only to offer a sly smirk and run his fingers once more over the heaving throat._

_“Excellent….” he’d purred, quickly drawing away and walking out the door.  At the time Levi wasn’t sure what it had been, punishment or reward. Good or bad. Right or wrong. And in his desperation to please and follow orders he had decided that it was a punishment, he had not been good enough, he had to be better._

The footsteps drew closer, echoing on the tiles as the breathing grew heavier. Excited for the kill.

 

_When he was thirteen Kaney had brought home a rabbit. Delicate and helpless it thrashed helplessly, spreading the wound to its abdomen and smearing blood over the table. It smelled of the earth, wild and gamey and for a brief moment Levi wondered why Kaney hadn’t simply killed the poor thing before he brought it home to cook like he had the other times._

_And then he refused to doubt. There was always a reason. ALWAYS._

_The rabbit thrashed again and Levi made an involuntary noise as the wound opened farther and revealed intestines and redness. Why was everything red? Why didn’t it stop? What was the reason? Punishment? Good? Bad? Why?_

_Kaney had thrown a knife by Levi’s side and stared at him coolly, almost beckoning him to come closer to the bleeding mess of flesh. Looking up questioningly he felt his hands shake as he looked away from the knife._

_“Levi,” Kaney snarled, his voice coming out like a rabid dogs might, “Pick up the goddamn knife and get your sorry ass over here.” Levi looked farther away, hoping that it was a request. Hoping that he wouldn’t have to-_

_All thoughts ceased as a fist collided with the back of his jaw, sending him flying across the floor and dizzy. His mouth was filling with blood and his cut roamed around his mouth, trying to asses whatever sharp object was cutting into his gums and blinding him with pain at every pass._

_“I said get the job fucking done.” The gruff hands picked up a small object off the floor and held it in front of Levi’s eyes. “Now, before this is the only thing that’s in that disobedient mouth of yours.”_

_With the room spinning he struggled upwards, blinded by the pain and nausea, and took hold of the knife with shaking hands. Staggering over to the rabbit he held the knife up and went for the throat, like he had seen Kaney do, the clean way to clean prey._

_“Don’t you fucking dare.” The voice was cold, impassive and upon glancing painfully back at the man his eyes showed no love, no pity or remorse. Only death and desire._

_It was blank after that, red and blackness mixed together until his mind could no longer remember what had really happened and what he had imagined he’d done. He remembered waking up in front of the wash bucket, tears burning his eyes and staining his cheeks as he scrubbed relentlessly at his now bleeding hands._

_Blood had coated everything, entrails and vomit intermingled by the carcass that lay on the table. And at the head of it all sat Kaney, contentedly watching Levi and murmuring, “You are worth of the name Ackerman.”_

_Four days later he ended up in the throws of a fever, his vision gone as the pain in his remaining section of tooth radiated of infection. Kaney had taken one look at him and pulled out his knife. Levi tried to thrash, remembering the rabbit, knowing instinctually that he was prey before the blade came into his screaming mouth and dug around in his gums until the tooth popped free._

_That was where his obsession with cleanliness had begun. In trying to wash away the blood that stained his hands after each prey that Ackerman brought home for him to ‘play’ with._

_Trembling with the aftershocks of pain and terror, Levi felt hands brush against his throat and delicately push on it, testing the fortitude of the body. And in that moment, Levi had thought that the rabbit hadn’t had it so bad._

The clack of a gun, or was it 3DMG, firing brought his attention back to the problem. Kaney. He was here to kill and if he was anything he was efficient.

 

_The day he’d left he’d been nineteen. And Kaney had tried to force him to kill a person. She was pretty. Blond and petite, her curves unusually soft and supple for a woman who lived Underground. Kaney had cornered her in an ally way, held the knife out to Levi and ordered: “Now.”_

_Levi, all hesitation beat out of him, took the knife. Disobeying only got you killed. He’d been beaten, strangled, fuck he’d been starved and stabbed more times than he could count because he’s disobeyed. It was survival. This was survival. This was what the world had come to. Kaney wasn’t nice, but neither was he. People were cruel, vile and despicable. There were no truly good people._

_Only people like Kaney and people not like Kaney._

_“Please!” the woman whimpered, her voice cracking, “Please!” Levi stopped, his eyes fogging over as he felt the familiar lump of dread grow in his throat. He supposed it was in that moment that he remembered why he had stayed as long as he had with the monster._

_Suffering._

_But this…. This was the last fucking straw._

_“Levi!” Kaney growled out, footsteps approaching him, “Don’t you dare-!”_

_Tightening his arm Levi spun around and swept the knife out at Kaney, the blade drawing a thin line of blood against the mans torso before Levi’s other leg came to kick the man in the ribs. Enough was fucking enough._

_Grunting Kaney lunged for Levi, a gun coming out of his pocket and his fist colliding with Levi’s eye. Stars exploded behind his vision and for a moment Levi regretted his actions._

_But only for a moment._

_Kaney took another swing and instinctually Levi dropped to the ground, using his small size to his advantage as he swept Kaney’s legs out from underneath him and pounced on top of the man, a wildness in his eyes and soul that he could not quench._

_“Go on.” Kaney taunted, a knowing smirk passing over his face, “My prodigy.”_

_And like a candle being blown out the readiness to kill evaporated. This man cared for him, saved him, beat him, starved him….. and yet….. With a howl of rage Levi leapt off of him, sparing a last look at the quivering woman before hurling himself into the darkness, never looking back and putting distance between him and Kaney._

_While he roamed he struggled to make sense of it all. The pain and agony of living, the utter fear of being so free that he didn’t have to worry about the sadistic games that were played. He could be normal, he could try and forget._

_But he was fucked in the head. He knew that. Kaney had beaten all aspects of love out of him. Love got you beaten, care got you starved. The only things in this world was to kill and thrive on it._

Levi heard the sound of the anchor hitting the chimney and shakily moved into a crouching position.

 

He had learned to care when he met Isabelle and Farlan; two people as broken as he was and just as lost. He learned to love when they died, when his squad died, when Nifa died.

 

And he knew when he met Erwin, when he failed to kill him and realized it was because of the fucked up upbringing he had, that he wouldn’t fail to kill Kaney again.

 

“You’ve grown up.” The voice taunted. And Levi felt himself agree.

 

He was older, he knew how cruel the world was. He knew what he had to do. To protect the people he cared for. He knew that he had to stop this crazy sonofabitch while he had the chance. He’d had the opportunity years ago. His youth had gotten in the way. But now he had grown, grown into something that was dangerous and that would do anything to do the right thing.

  
The man flew into his vision, pistols drawn and Levi drew his sword. The anger bubbled up inside of him. Decades of loss and suffering and shattered hope welling up. Nifa, Petra, Erd, David, Gunther, Lloyd, Nifa, Harris, Oluo, Isabelle, Farlan; _fuck_ Eren, Historia, Mikasa, Hanji, Mike, Erwin. And like that the dam broke, and the rage was untempered.

 

“You haven’t changed.” Ackerman remarked wryly. And in that moment Levi felt the old him, the part of him that had gutted the rabbit come back. He would kill. And this one he would enjoy.

 

 

 


End file.
